urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:freewithinfreewithinfreewithinfreewithin2008-12-31T08:21:30Zurn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:freewithin:1549where did i go?2008-12-31T08:21:30Z2008-12-31T08:21:30Zbeethovenwhat has happened to me? <br /><br />i dont know who i am anymore. everything i have ever learned or figured out has been thrown to the gutter. this world just has a way of bringing you up, then letting you fall all by yourself. ive become something i dont want to be. yet, i dont even know who i am. i feel like a monster to this world. like i shouldn't have been born. but i was, so there must be a reason for me to be here, right?! im not to sure. ive lost people who were once so close to me. we are strangers now. it hurts. they don't understand why i am how i am now. they don't know what has happened to me, that has made me this way. they dont know anything. they think im just a screwup, but who knows, maybe i am. <br /><br />i feel like im slowly losing everything around me, and that soon, i will be completely alone. i dont want it to be so. yet at the same time, i think it might be best for me. i have to change what im doing. it hasnt for more than a year now, and its getting worse again. i lost the one person who knew how to made me smile. they made my day. <br /><br />i dont know where i'll be come the end of this school year, and it scares me. i don't want to leave where i live now, but at the same time, its holding me back, and if im ever going to get better i have to go. it wont be easy and it will be very painful, but i feel its necessary. which is sad that it is. <br /><br />i dont know what to do anymore. i feel that i take up to much space on this earth, and that someone better deserves the air i breathe. people tell me that isnt so.but im not sure. life is a complicated subject for me, that i try to figure out all the time, but never will, and even though i know i never will, i still keep trying. i only end up hurting myself by doing this. maybe one day i'll learn. maybe not.